


goodbye

by wintersweather



Series: look up [4]
Category: Polygon/McElroy Vlogs & Podcasts RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-16 10:02:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14809181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wintersweather/pseuds/wintersweather
Summary: and i've been stuck to you like a shadow you can't shake off





	goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> title/excerpt from (you guessed it) "night" by the altogether!

_"Hey Brian, uh, it's Pat. Sorry if this is bad timing."_ Pat's voice crackled through Brian's phone speaker, quiet and somber. "I've been meaning to tell you this, but I think - I feel like I need to take a step back from this whole relationship thing."

Brian took a deep breath, squeezing his eyes closed as Pat continued on. _"It's just, uh, it's just really bad timing. I love you, Brian."_ The line went silent long enought that Brian thought the message was over, his stomach in his feet and his hands shaking. He did something wrong, drove Pat away somehow. Was he doing too much? Too little?

 _"I wish I had said that earlier to you."_ Pat continued. _"I can't keep doing it with you, Bri. I can't love you right now, not the way you should be loved. I wish I could hold you, give you everything you deserve and more."_

There was another beat of silence. Brian felt like throwing up. _"Brian, you're worthy of everything you want. I don't want you to have to deal with me, like the way I can never decide. The way I'm too scared to share my feelings with you. It's unfair to you."_ Pat's voice sounded a little raw, like he was close to tears. God knew Brian was. 

_"I hope you're fine."_ Pat said softly. Brian knew the inflection; Pat wanted to say more but couldn't figure out how to word it. _"I love you. Goodbye."_

The phone beeped, and Brian allowed himself to fall apart just a little bit. Crying on the train wasn't very dignified, but this was New York. None of these people giving him looks would remember his face. He wished there were comfort in that.

\- - -

Brian wished he could be angry at Pat. He wished he could text Pat, tell him he was being selfish and to get over himself. But Brian knew Pat better than that; everything he said over the phone was how he really felt. Pat liked to keep his feelings bottled up and sometimes they all poured out in few and far between moments.

Brian thought about the night they laid in Pat's bed, Charlie on Pat's chest as he told Brian about his childhood. About being moved around a bunch, about not fitting in no matter where he was. Brian felt horrible about it, wished he could erase every bad memory from Pat's mind. Pat just smiled and shrugged and said it was the past, said it'd been 20 years ago and what good would dwelling on it do?

After that, Pat never brought it up again. On the contrary, Brian was an open book. Most people knew his business most of the time, and it didn't really bother him. It probably bothered Pat, at least a little. Brian never asked him.

He felt like a skeleton all weekend, shambling around the apartment, working on editing his cheap game series, mournfully playing ukulele in his bedroom until Laura told him to please, please stop. It took everything in him to not call Pat, ask him questions, be annoying. 

He missed Pat's voice, the way Pat would laugh at his bad jokes and ridiculous impressions and songs. He missed the way Pat's face lit up when he _actually_ smiled. He missed laying in bed with Pat, his head against Pat's chest to listen to his heartbeat.

God, if he was like this after two days of not not-dating Pat, what was Monday gonna look like? 

It was killing him.

\- - -

Pat smiled at him during work, acted like nothing had changed. But he wouldn't touch Brian, not even innocent things like hugs. Brian felt raw every time they made eye contact, only for Pat to quickly glance away. It was like opening a wound over and over, never letting it scar.

Allegra came to Gill and Gilbert to diffuse the situation a little. Brian wasn't sure how much she knew, but she gave Brian a kind look when she saw them. It made Brian feel only a little nauseated to sit next to Pat for an hour, overthink everything he said and did, try not to overstep his boundaries - whatever they even were at this point.

By the time a whole week had went by, Brian was about ready to have a meltdown. He felt like he was watching himself from the outside as he took the subway to Pat's apartment, not bothering to call or text. It was Friday night, Pat might not even be home. He wasn't sure if that'd be more or less embarrassing.

But of course Pat was home. He opened the door after a few knocks, looking just as ethereal and tired as he always did. He seemed surprised to see Brian, but quickly recovered. "Are you okay?" He asked, voice nonchalant.

Brian wanted to scream. Instead, he focused on not crying. "Are _you_ okay?"

"Why are you here?" Pat pried, not unkindly. He suddenly looked like he was crumpling in on himself.

"Because I love you." Brian answered quietly, looking down at his shoes. The left one wasn't even tied. "I'm sorry, this was a mistake-"

Pat took a breath. "You can come in, if you want. I - I think Charlie misses you." He said, taking a step back.

Brian walked through the threshold as Pat shut the door behind him. "Did you mean what you said on the phone? About loving me?" He asked, glancing up. 

Pat nodded a little. "Yeah."

"That's enough for me, Pat. Whatever you think you're not good enough for, trust me, you _are_."

"Brian," Pat said, his voice soft and slightly insistent. "I don't want to argue with you."

Brian felt his stomach drop at Pat's tone. "You don't have to."

The house was quiet for a few moments. Pat shook his head, tried to speak a few times but ultimately stayed silent.

"I just - it's - I don't know. I'm a whole fucking mess without you, Pat. I miss you so much. I can't just do it like this; I can't unattach myself from you like you've done to me." He paused, trying to collect his thoughts.

"It's okay," Pat replied. "It's okay. Do you want to talk about it? Right now?"

Brian hoped he didn't look as miserable as he felt when he nodded. "Yeah. I'd love that."

**Author's Note:**

> this has nothing to do w the story but sometimes i think abt how i've had a big dumb crush on pat for a whole yr now and i just rest my head against the nearest window and sigh forlornly
> 
> speaking of he looked Lovely in eyeliner tonite even tho it was poorly done. :')
> 
> thanx for reading <3


End file.
